Unfortunate Shoes Part 2: Nike

Before we get down to the business, an important note about the I Want To Buy You a Bike! book promotion.

It has come to my attention that nobody much cares about me getting a bike. I still want readers to find the book. And I want to give stuff away. So here's the deal. No matter what I sell between now and March 31, I'll give away 40% of the proceeds. That's $3 of every sale to Kimberlee's Bikes for Kids and $3 of every sale toward a gift certificate for one reader to spend at the bike shop.

Yeah, I know that Kimberlee's Bikes might end up with less $ this way. I really, REALLY want to put something cool in a reader's hands. Other than the book itself, which is the first cool thing that the reader gets.

OK. On to the important thing: ill-conceived footwear.

If you made it through the first gauntlet of loud shoe design without gouging your own eyes out for relief, you may be iron enough to brave what I'm about to show you.

Nike, friends. My theory is that they have passed beyond athletic gear into the realm of true fashion. They are haute couture, like Balenciaga or maybe this guy.

Like those guys, Nike seems to have passed beyond the merely wearable. Unlike those guys, Nike is pretty sure we will keep forking over our last $ to sport their revolting fashion statements, even when that statement is "Nike thinks I am a moron."

I don't have space today for all the bad Nike. I will confine my remarks to two subcategories: "Bad Pink" and "Nike Problematic Yellow."

First up, the Nike Pink Flash. Hang onto your chromosomes, gals, this one's for YOU!

C'mon. I like pink but this is too much. This pink is the equivalent of your friend who has the really loud laugh that ends all the conversations in the office break room.

What would you wear this with? Maybe if you were in tennis whites. And you didn't need anybody to treat you like an adult. Ever again.

Next up, the Nike Lunar Racer. Like running on smashed cupcake icing. It also comes in "Nike Problematic Yellow."

























Rounding out the parade of bad pink is the Air Max 2009.


I was great with the pink tongue, lining, and laces, even entertained the merits of the pink undercast to the gray upper. I like the dark criss-crossed ribbon on the side. (Is it feminine? Is it dominatrix?) This has the start of a bad-ass shoe.

But somebody at Nike is Just Not Satisfied until they infantilize a woman's pink shoe. Little-girl shiny-patent toe-cap? Even that's not enough. Let's add a glowy pink jelly sole. God forbid we make a pink fashion statement of bad-assery without the "just kidding! I'm a harmless girly girl!" disclaimer.

Now, finally, here is what I mean by "Nike Problematic Yellow." It's the Air Max again. Somebody explain to me: why do I want a shoe that looks like my dog pissed on it?

I ask you. Next up in "Good lord, NO" footwear: more Nike.