Weight gain

I've been gaining weight slowly and steadily through the winter. I'm not sure why. The weight gain is playing with my head a little; the lack of understanding is playing with my head more.

It's difficult to talk even with my athlete friends about this because the first response is to try to make me feel better about it. I'm not discouraged. I've been building strength all winter. It's inconvenient to drag extra pounds around on the bike, especially going into race season.

It's annoying that the approach to diet and exercise I took through the winter (vegetarian proteins, short frequent workouts) didn't result in visible efficiencies. But okay, let's call it a 5 month experiment and let's make some changes.

The paradox is that the more I focus on the weight, the more weight I gain. This is an infallible pattern over the last 4 years of losing 60 pounds. Even if the thought crosses my mind that I want to lose weight, I'll pick up a pound or two. I don't know how that works, but it does. So the last thing I want to do right now is "try to lose weight" or fantasize about being slimmer.

I just stopped writing and tried on a bunch of my spring/summer clothes from last year. Hm. There's been a redistribution, and things are tighter. Not buy-new-clothes tighter. Instructive tighter. It seems some of the gain is muscle and some is fat. That's good news. The additional muscle can help me burn the additional fat.

This helps with the mind game. When I am running, as I am about to do in a few minutes, I'm not "paying for the weight gain." I'm "recruiting all my new muscle to learn to burn fat for fuel." In fact, these longer days of spring, when I wake up ready to jump and go, might prove very exciting.

Sing it, sister.

Heart's desire

Four years ago, I had a secret desire. I wrote it down and then mostly forgot about it until it came true. It was: "I want to be able to go for a 3-mile run at any time, no big deal." Just to be able to wake up every single day and know I could ask my body to run, and it would perform.

Every goal I set, every race I signed up for, every morning run, every hill repeat, every article about running form, every careful meal. They stemmed from this heart's desire, which lay buried and wordless.

A heart's desire touches everything. It does not affect only the immediate goals and actions. It changes who you are. Be careful of your heart's desires, for they govern you. Set them large.

Keep the largest ones secret, yours alone. Hold them close. When you make them real, everyone will know them just by looking at you. It's funny how knowing the heart's desire can make a person feel more complete and whole, though its goal be far away.

I want to know that the way I ride will let me flow on any trail.

So many things touch this.

Sing it, sister.